The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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