Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
