new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
false alarm, still single
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
