6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
