conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize