Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
