He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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