I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
