Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
