shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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