Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
