You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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