So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
