did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You took a bar mat shot.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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