I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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