i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
