My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
