threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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