dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
