who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
