dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
