woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
