Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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