Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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