Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
