Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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