Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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