At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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