Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
