I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How does it feel to date your dad?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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