so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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