my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
