I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize