When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
