Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
