That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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