so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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