This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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