Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
