I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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