Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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