i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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