# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
