im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
