I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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