I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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