party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Best friends brother. Beat that.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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