My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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