what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
