Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
