You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize