my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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