soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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