i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
