cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
