Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
