News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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