dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
