I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize