The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
