PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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