hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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