Pappa wants mamma naked
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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