Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
