my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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