I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
