A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
