he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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