walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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