so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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